Welcome to my blog. The main purpose for starting this blog is to talk about my son, Collin James, who was stillborn on July 1st, 2010. I know it can be an uncomfortable subject for some people, so those people who know me and want to know what happened, or whats going on with me, they can come here. Everyday is a different battle for me it seems, and writing helps. thank you for reading, and don't be afraid to comment if you are here!


Monday, July 26, 2010

Let's start from the beginning...

I've wanted to be a Mommy all of my life. I feel almost as if being a parent is what God has in plan for me. Without going into too much detail, I'm divorced and never got pregnant even though it should have easily happened. My first, and only, real relationship after my divorce ended mainly bc my boyfriend at the time came to the realization that he didn't want to have children. We were already going through a rough patch, and he confessed that to me. He said he told me because he knew how badly I wanted to have kids one day, and he would hate to take that from me. Looking back I'm thankful he let me know, but in the moment I was angry. So starting over for me, again, was the answer.

I dated a guy during the fall of last year, from September to the first week in December. It was a short, but fun relationship. It never got too serious, he didn't want to settle down yet, and I didn't need to settle down (again) yet. We had fun though. Ended quicker than I expected. I was working a lot, so was he, so it was hard to see each other. I was working 2 jobs, and he started to get flaky, not a good thing when you only have 2 nights a week to be able to do anything. I was a little relieved when it ended, only because it was getting tiring trying to work around schedules and such. We parted ways and didn't speak again.

I found out I was pregnant the first week of January. Long story short: I had no idea I was pregnant, and the father of my child couldn't care less. My Mom and Step dad were supportive, as was the rest of my family. A few friends were mad at my decision to keep my child. They said things such as "how can you raise a child without a father?" "You're going to ruin your life and your future", etc. The way I looked at it, I was getting a second chance at becoming a mom. It wasn't going to be the easiest road to take, but in my eyes, it was the right road to take. My family was behind me, and the majority of my friends were as well.

Sometime during the end of January, I started to have severe pains in my lower abdomen. After talking to my mom and my doctor, I went to the ER to get checked out. I was there for several hours, turns out I had a severe UTI. They did an ultrasound and I was told I was further along that I had thought. My due date was June 24th. I was given some safe antibiotics, put on bedrest for 2 weeks, and was told I should be fine. It was scary finding out I was further along than expected. At my doctors appointment the next week I was assured that everyhing was fine and not to worry, the baby was doing well.

My pregnancy was a very easy one after the ER incident. I never had any morning sickness. My energy returned in the 2nd trimester, and I felt great. I was working for the Census, and loved my job. At my "big" ultrasound, as they seem to call it on pregnancy chat boards, Collin hid from us and wouldn't let us see that he was a boy. My mom was so anxious to know, she made an appointment for another ultrasound that same night. She just couldn't wait to find out what her first grandchild was going to be. Luckily he was much more cooperative at this ultrasound. We found out it was a boy and were overjoyed. I would have been happy either way, but I was really hoping it was a boy. It was so neat looking up at the screen and seeing Collin wiggle around. I had caffiene for the first time in months right before my appointment to wake him up, and boy did it work! He was so active. I wish the appointment could have lasted forever, I just didn't want to take my eyes off of him. Phone calls were made to everyone we could think of, and we took our first trip to Babies R Us to buy our first "boy" outfit. Everyone was so excited.

My pregnancy continued to be fairly easy. My weight gain was perfect, I didn't gain too much. My only real issues were heartburn and swelling in my feet / ankles. Other than that, things were great. I was able to work until about 38 1/2 weeks. Collin stayed active and it was a joy to feel him kick and squirm. I was so happy, getting ready for my little guy. My sister threw me a fantastic baby shower. Collin was sure spoiled. If I wasn't working I was busy getting ready. Always shopping, washing his clothes and bedding, organizing his things. I was reading all the time, books about pregnancy, books about how to care for newborns. I took birthing / lamaze classes, with my sister as my coach. Life felt perfect, the house was ready, his things were ready, my family and friends were ready, and I was ready to meet the little guy that lived happily inside of me for 9 months.

My due date came, and still no Collin. I had a doctors appointment the next day. I was put onto a monitor, and I was indeed having contractions. The doctor said that Collin's heartbeat was beautiful. He just wasn't ready to come just yet. I left the doctors office with an appointment for Tuesday, and some disappointment. I was ready, why wasn't he? I spent the weekend trying to walk as much as possible. The phone calls and text messages started... Is he here yet? Everyone seemed as anxious as I was. Tuesday came before I knew it. I was in the docs office again, hooked to a monitor, listening to my sons heartbeat. My doctor "checked" me, and I hadn't made any progress from my last appointment. We talked about induction, if he didn't come soon we would probably try to induce at the end of the week. My doctor then did an ultra-sound, and said his fluid was a little lower than she would have liked, and decided to send me in for an induction that night. The hospital usually only does scheduled inductions between 12 and 5 am, so I was going to go in at 1 that night / morning.

Again with the phone calls /emails / texts. We wanted to let everyone know what was going on. I spent the rest of Tuesday with my sister and Mom. We went shopping, put up the letters above Collins crib... my sister custom made letters spelling his name, they were so adorable. I doubled checked my bags to make sure I had everything I would want or need in the hospital. I was told to try to get some sleep before we went in, but that was so hard. This was the last time I would sleep without being a Mommy. This is the last time I could lay down and feel him kicking. My favorite time of day used to be the evenings right before bed, when Collin was the most active. I was finally able to relax a little bit, and got about an hour of sleep. Since I wasn't in a deep sleep I woke up to Collin having the hiccups. I layed there for a little longer, and decided it was time to get up, there was no point in trying to get back to sleep. I was too excited. Around 12:30 we grabbed a few last things and headed to the hospital, my mom, sister and myself. Filled with anticipation... how long was the induction going to take? Was I going to be in pain? Was the IV going to hurt? Was Collin going to be ready to enter the world? So many questions and thoughts. It was quite an overwhelming drive... fear, excitement, and wonder all rolled into one.

I'll write more soon.

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