Welcome to my blog. The main purpose for starting this blog is to talk about my son, Collin James, who was stillborn on July 1st, 2010. I know it can be an uncomfortable subject for some people, so those people who know me and want to know what happened, or whats going on with me, they can come here. Everyday is a different battle for me it seems, and writing helps. thank you for reading, and don't be afraid to comment if you are here!


Thursday, July 22, 2010

Collin's Letter

This is the letter that was read to Collin at his Memorial Service...

My Collin,

Words cannot express the love I have for you, my first born child, my son, my beautiful baby boy. There is no word to describe how much I miss you. Three weeks ago I was so nervous about meeting you, praying I would be the perfect Mommy to you, hoping you would come into the world soon. Never did I dream that I wouldn’t be able to bring you home from the hospital, I never would have imagined having to live my life without you. But the little time I did have with you was such a joy. I loved feeling all of your kicks, hiccups, squirms and wiggles. I miss our evenings together, when I would lay down and talk to you, and you would kick all over the place. Right before bed was my favorite time of day, because you were always so active when I would lay down at night. Everyone would try to feel you kick, but you wouldn’t do it for anyone but me, except for the one time your Auntie Mary got to feel you. She was so excited! Then your Grandma tried and you refused to cooperate, I think you were stubborn like me. I wouldn’t let my Grandma feel any kicks either! After you were born, the size of your feet made me realize why the kicks started to hurt in the last part of my pregnancy! I’m not sure you would have ever gotten to enjoy the adorable Angels socks I got you, they probably wouldn’t have fit! Even with your seemingly larger than average feet, every single part of you is perfect. I was so overwhelmed with emotion when they placed you into my arms. Even though I know you were with Jesus when I was holding you, I still got to look down upon one of the most precious faces I have ever seen. Everything about you is perfect, your little nose, those lips, even the ears you inherited from your Grandma. Grandma says you have my hair, I can’t believe how long it was and how much of it there was! I couldn’t stop staring at you, caressing your soft cheek, holding your tiny, perfect hand. Even though I never wanted to let you go, I felt so proud letting the rest of our family hold you. I’m so glad I got to share you, so thankful I got to see your adorable face. You looked so perfect in the outfit we got to dress you in, my favorite outfit for you. It was the best outfit to bring for you, since it said “Mommy’s All Star” on it. You were my all star from the day I found out you were a boy, and you will always be my all star. Everytime I see a star now, I think of you… and I always will. You will always have my heart, you will always be my angel baby. I love you so very much. Please tell your Grandpa and your Great-Grandparents to take care of you until we can meet again. I know they’ll do a good job. Make sure they shower you with kisses and love, for those of us here that can’t do so. I’m praying someday I will be able to give you brothers and sisters, but know they will never be able to take your place. I’ll be able to tell them about their Angel brother in heaven, and I know you’ll watch over them like you are watching over me.

I miss you so much it hurts Collin. I love you with all of my heart.

- Mommy

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