Welcome to my blog. The main purpose for starting this blog is to talk about my son, Collin James, who was stillborn on July 1st, 2010. I know it can be an uncomfortable subject for some people, so those people who know me and want to know what happened, or whats going on with me, they can come here. Everyday is a different battle for me it seems, and writing helps. thank you for reading, and don't be afraid to comment if you are here!


Tuesday, September 20, 2011

It's been awhile...

Wow. It's been a very long time since I've published anything! FINALLY got computer issues handled... so hopefully there will be more posts soon.

2 things recently made me realize it was past time for an update. One: I went to a support group meeting, one I hadn't been to in quite awhile. And two: A dear friend of mine asked if I had posted in awhile, and thought it might be good for me. She's right. So here we are.

So much has happened in the past months since my last post. I'm going to have to have more than one post to talk about everything!

Most importantly... I survived the most difficult milestones in my journey since I lost my precious baby boy. Mothers Day. Fathers Day. His first Birthday. His due date. All very difficult days. Thankfully, with the support and love of my friends and family, and from the strength I gather myself by knowing I have an angel by my side... I made it. I'm still here. I'm not a basketcase. I survived!!

Mothers Day was pretty difficult. The week before mothers day is "International Baby Loss Mothers Day". I really don't know what to think about this new holiday, and I'm not sure that I like it. I may have lost my baby physically, but I know exactly where he is. He's with me every day in spirit. And I like to be recongnized as a mother like every other mother, I don't think we need a special day for it, but that's just my opinion. I recieved a couple of beautiful cards from loved ones. The one that touched me the most was one from my sister. It's hanging in my room... What she wrote inside was absolutely beautiful and inspriring. Since we wanted to celebrate the day, my sister and I took our mom to Disneyland for the day. It's our favorite place. Moms got a flower to carry around. I clipped mine on my backpack strap. It was SO nice to have everyone tell you happy Mothers day! I AM a mother. I always will be. I definitely recommend doing some type of activity that acknowledges you as a Mom. I felt wonderful after I got over my initial sadness in the morning. It turned out to be a lovely day with people who love my little guy as much as I do.

For Collins birthday we decided to have a get together. Being in southern California... a bonfire seemed fitting. I spent a lot of time at the beach while pregnant, and a LOT of time there after my loss. It's a calming place for me. So a bonfire it was. It was a holiday weekend, with his birthday being July 1st, and on a Friday. I decided to go to the beach all day, to relax, and also to guarantee we had a fire pit! I knew I wanted to take the day off of work anyways. The bonfire was awesome. I had some close friends with me during the day, which was nice. My sister brought some flowers from her boss for us to toss in the water for Collin. She also brought a beauitful lei of red carnations, with a blue star on it. Red is my color for Collin, and stars are his "thing". I said some words, thanked everyone for being there for myself and my family in the past year. It was a difficult speech to get thru, but I think I did pretty good. We had a good turn out. After I spoke, I got hugs from everyone, then we tossed our flowers into the ocean at sunset. After the "ceremony" we all just hung out and ate, and had a good time. It was just what I needed. During difficult times, being with those who love me really helps. I'll post pictures when I have more time.

Well that's all I have time for now. If you are reading this, Thank you. Even if one person reads my blog and is touched by my story, that's all I could ever ask for. <3