It's been awhile...

Wow. It's been a very long time since I've published anything! FINALLY got computer issues handled... so hopefully there will be more posts soon.

2 things recently made me realize it was past time for an update. One: I went to a support group meeting, one I hadn't been to in quite awhile. And two: A dear friend of mine asked if I had posted in awhile, and thought it might be good for me. She's right. So here we are.

So much has happened in the past months since my last post. I'm going to have to have more than one post to talk about everything!

Most importantly... I survived the most difficult milestones in my journey since I lost my precious baby boy. Mothers Day. Fathers Day. His first Birthday. His due date. All very difficult days. Thankfully, with the support and love of my friends and family, and from the strength I gather myself by knowing I have an angel by my side... I made it. I'm still here. I'm not a basketcase. I survived!!

Mothers Day was pretty difficult. The week before mothers day is "International Baby Loss Mothers Day". I really don't know what to think about this new holiday, and I'm not sure that I like it. I may have lost my baby physically, but I know exactly where he is. He's with me every day in spirit. And I like to be recongnized as a mother like every other mother, I don't think we need a special day for it, but that's just my opinion. I recieved a couple of beautiful cards from loved ones. The one that touched me the most was one from my sister. It's hanging in my room... What she wrote inside was absolutely beautiful and inspriring. Since we wanted to celebrate the day, my sister and I took our mom to Disneyland for the day. It's our favorite place. Moms got a flower to carry around. I clipped mine on my backpack strap. It was SO nice to have everyone tell you happy Mothers day! I AM a mother. I always will be. I definitely recommend doing some type of activity that acknowledges you as a Mom. I felt wonderful after I got over my initial sadness in the morning. It turned out to be a lovely day with people who love my little guy as much as I do.

For Collins birthday we decided to have a get together. Being in southern California... a bonfire seemed fitting. I spent a lot of time at the beach while pregnant, and a LOT of time there after my loss. It's a calming place for me. So a bonfire it was. It was a holiday weekend, with his birthday being July 1st, and on a Friday. I decided to go to the beach all day, to relax, and also to guarantee we had a fire pit! I knew I wanted to take the day off of work anyways. The bonfire was awesome. I had some close friends with me during the day, which was nice. My sister brought some flowers from her boss for us to toss in the water for Collin. She also brought a beauitful lei of red carnations, with a blue star on it. Red is my color for Collin, and stars are his "thing". I said some words, thanked everyone for being there for myself and my family in the past year. It was a difficult speech to get thru, but I think I did pretty good. We had a good turn out. After I spoke, I got hugs from everyone, then we tossed our flowers into the ocean at sunset. After the "ceremony" we all just hung out and ate, and had a good time. It was just what I needed. During difficult times, being with those who love me really helps. I'll post pictures when I have more time.

Well that's all I have time for now. If you are reading this, Thank you. Even if one person reads my blog and is touched by my story, that's all I could ever ask for. <3

T.j.

I haven't been able to post at all lately due to computer issues, but I wanted to repost this from facebook. It brought me to tears in the middle of a shopping trip with my sister. I have a bad habit of checking facebook from my phone... something I need to stop doing because I never know when something I read online will make me upset or bring back memories.
Your little boy cries too much. my little boy makes no sound. your little boy sleeps warm in his crib, my little boy lies cold in his urn. your little boy woke up today, my little boy never will. your little boy laughs and plays, my little boy lays still. your little boy makes you proud,just as proud as mine, cuz while your little boy learns to walk, my little boy can fly ♥

I hope to be able to post more soon. If you're reading this... thank you as always for reading! :)

I miss my little angel.

Pics from 10/15/10

These are some of the pics from the candle lighting on October 15th. Such a great view from this park... and its 2 minutes from my house :)

October 15th

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Tonight at 7 all parents of angels are asked to light a candle in rememberance of their little one. I will be going to Hilltop Park in Signal Hill with some fellow Mommy's to do this tonight.

I'm glad I have such a busy day today, but thankful I am able to be there tonight as well. I will also be lighting a candle for 2 of my friends children as well.

I miss you everyday my precious baby boy!

Angel Blankets from Collin

My first blanket was given to Sharon, the chaplain at LB Memorial, last night. I hope it helps bring a family some comfort in their time of need. I can't wait to make more blankets and help teach others how to sew the blankets as well. I've been praying for the family who recieves the blanket. Even though I will probably never know who they are, they will be a part of me now. Maybe someday they too will find comfort in helping others in need.

The tags we made to go on the blankets.


Ready to go!


Collin's bear with the first blanket to be handed out :)


<3 <3 <3

The Walk

On October 9th, we participated in the Walk to Remember Los Angeles, held at Recreation Park in Long Beach. It was such a great experience! I met some amazing people, and it was so nice to see people come together for the same cause.

My mom, my sister, my stepdad, and 2 friends Alison and Jen joined me, and we were "Team Collin". We made T-shirts and got a ton of compliments on them. My sister made bracelets to hand out, with pink and blue ribbons to represent Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. They were a hit! Everyone kept asking others where they had gotten the bracelets, and we ran out quickly.

The walk was a 5k, not too long and not too short. All of the babies names were places on signs throughout the walk. I was lucky enough to get a larger sign for Collin, which was really neat. It was the first thing I saw when I got out of the car, I had to stop myself from breaking down before the event had even begun! But my sister saw me and my reaction to the sign, and quickly ran over to give me a huge hug. There was a memorial service prior to the walk. All of the mothers recieved a rose as their childs name was read, and of course my sister was right there again when I needed her, after I got my rose.

After the walk my sister and I stuck around for the picnic. We got some raffle tickets, and we actually won a necklace. My sister is going to get an Auntie necklace. My sister also got Collin an angel bear, there was a booth with girls engraving ribbons to personalize the bears. I know I will cherish it forever!

Here are a few photos. My camera was acting up, which explains the pink tint. We are participating in the Orange County Walk to Remember on the 23rd, I hope to get more pictures, that aren't pink, then! The first pic is my absolute favorite... it looks like Collin is shining down on all of us from above. It gives me goosebumps. I can't wait to get it printed and framed! I'm so thankful for this event, to help raise awareness, allow us to meet other Mommy's such as ourselves, and to provide a positive experience for us all. I can't wait to do it again next year!